potato soup

So I'm making potato celery soup for the first time.  I think I put too much dill weed in it.  We'll see though.  I tried to even it out with potatoes and pepper.  

I wanted celery to be the main ingredient but decided potatoes would take the cake.

I'm kind of looking for some guys but that's not going to happen.

I hate canvassing.

I have been a canvass director since the first week in March.

I don't want to knock on another door, talk to another person, or ask a single soul for money in support of any organization. Not face to face at least. I understand the importance of canvassing for groups but it's not for me. It's outrageous.

Took me long enough to realize and alothough I love being oustide, talking to people, it's not in canvassing. I can't belive I was recruited to join this company to work on the election. Work to get Obama elected. Voter persuation, voter registration. That's what I want to do. I got gypped. they coerced me to run a fundraising office for the ACLU. I love the ACLU. It's a marvelous organization. I will not fundraise for them anymore though.

I can't do it.

Life Sucks

It happens again. Crazy how things repeat themselves.

"stay away from the letter J".

I seem to have done it again. This time I thought something would come out of it- how many times can you really stay away? I know I am not using my better judgement to trust a psychic but she it seems to hold true. People have to learn the hard way I guess.

Age. I guess age is something more than a number. At least for some of us. How can it be that 'if I were ten years older' I'd be perfect. Whatever. That's bullshit.

For once I thought I found someone who liked me for me, not my looks, or penis size, for me and it turns out even that's not enough. Being me is fine, it's just my current age. Haha. It's funny when I think about it. That's the last reason I would use to steer someone away, even if they were my own age. Or older. Or younger.

I know I'm not going to be able to sleep for about a week. I can't even type what I'm thinking because I don't know what to think. How can it be that you don't want to give youreslf a chance to put trivial things aside and like the person standing in front of you. I'll never understand. You may think I will, but I won't.

The job sucks. I don't want to be there either.

My plants are the only thing that makes me happy. At least they're growing.

I haven't smoked in over a week and that's the ONLY thing I want to do now- I'm out.

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK.

"It's not you, it's your age".

I can't pick a place to start.

I'm pseudo kind of seeing someone. We haven't had sex. Haha. Usually, those two sentences would never go in the same paragraph but since I've been going steady without since October 30 it's not really much to not have sex anymore. I don't crave it.

I do like said person though I'm not sure if he likes me back/how invested I can be in something. of course I always shy away from people getting too close to me. I know that. I'm really good at it but I want him to know me.

He's really hung up on our age gap. I understand and I don't at the same time. I'm all about going with the flow and seeing how things happen. He's more about let me see if I can actually like this person before I begin to create a flow with him.

He's cute though. I smile when I talk to him.

I don't know what I want anymore. I finally feel like I'm ok with being single because I've been single for so long. I really enjoy spending time with him though. I do. I do I do.

This entry is the worst ever.

Maybe I just need to find a new job so I can sort things out in my head.

WHY?

I want to vomit.

Probably because I ate too many of the cookies I baked but something tells me otherwise.  Fuck.  I want to write somthing but it's not coming.  I have too many thoughts going through my head and I can't seem to get them out the way I want to them to sound.  I'm sitting in my new apartment after coming back from having a frink and two games of pool with David, my boss.  I don't understand why people in my organization have such strong tendencies to drink.  It's not fun to me.  It doesn't make me feel alive and I say too far much more than I should.  I don't want my inhibitions to be lowered and I don't like the bars in Madison.  I don't really think I like the bar scene at all.  I didn't like it much in Chicago side for two or three bars and only when I'm pissed drunk. 

I LOVE STAYING AT HOME.

I don't know how much simpler I can put it.  I like being at home.  I know I'm an asshole when it comes to me going out.  Especially when I don't have any money.  Yes, I know my boss is in town and I would love to hang out with him but why involve alcohol?  Why tonight?  I really am doing my best to be unpacked by Monday so I can have a place to call home when I come home from work.  If something's solid then it makes it easier for more to fall in place.  I already work way too much for no pay and no gratitude.

I'm going to have to get a promotion or find another job.

Dreaming my Dreams

Christopher had quite some dreams last night.

I was in a hosptial room last night- an older one with wooden panels, a dilevery room. On the bed was a woman who was giving birth and having complications. I don't quite think it was my child being delivered but it very well could have been. The whole time I had a guy feeling it was my child. i don't know how I could have had that feeling, I don't know what it's like to have a baby, nor have I ever been in a delivery room.

I put on scrubs and robed up to make sure I was serilized, along with the other spectators in the room (I'm almost positive my siblings were also in the room, except crystal). I wanted to watch this miracle of life happen before my eyes- and I heard the doctor say there were omplications with the delivery, the baby was breached or something and had to perform a C-section.

At that moment, I saw the woman delivering the baby. It was my mother. She looked me in the eyes and said she didn't want me in the room while they cut her stomach. I had to go into an enclave where I could hear the operation being performed, but I couldn't see anything.

Then I woke up.

it's almost 3Am and I have been talking to Monica since I've been home from work at like 11.  I have recruitment at 8AM.  Damn Gina.  

I do like my job.  Let's see how far and long this one lasts.  I can see myself here for a while..

Minus the canvassing in the winter...

I don't know if I will be able to run my own office in a winter like Madison or Chicago.

This is how..

I had a really interesting day.  I want to say it was bad because I raised so little funds at work, but obviously, it's more than that.   I can't really say what it is though.

I love being here in Chicago but it's totally different from what I imagined it to be when I came back.  Possibly because I'm back before I thought I would be, which is okay because I'm allegedly only here for training.  I am glad I am keeping a low profile though.  Thus far.

I like my job, I do.  I don't love it, but I think it's going to provide me with the things I need right now.

I can't finish this right now, because I can't formulate thought.