...

i don't know what to say. My day has been filed with mixed emotions, and realizations. Jenelle and Ben have finally made me realize that I really am depressed. I don't know why though. I mean I can sleep all day, and I don't really feel like I have anything to wake up for, except work. I can't pay my own rent, and my rent manager is up my ass. No guys like me. I even stopped looking. After today, I realized that guys think I'm hot, but they don't want to do anything but get with me. I mean it feels good that they like me, but it's shitty that nothing more. I just want to go to fucking sleep. It feels like I don't have a care in the world when I'm asleep. I have stopped smoking pot. I don't know why, but I know it's not the root of my evils. I should stop drinking too. I mean I dont' drink much at all, but still. Whatever.

My time with Phil went REALLY well. I like him. I know it. I know it should start as friends first. and we did talk for two hours straight. Just talking. About nothing. It was awesome. Then my time with Jared was eventful, but he doesn't know what he wants. It's NOT a relationship. His friends Rochelle really likes me, I can tell, but that's the story of my life. I haven't yet met a person who hates me. That sounds stupid and pretentious, but it's the truth.

I don't know how to save money. I fucking blew so much money in 2 days. How the fuck does someone manage to do that? It's fucking stupid. It feels like everyone around me has their shit together, but me. I can't get anything straight. Even my own life. I want to do so much in life, but I can't even get my priorities straight.

WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME?

I don't even know what I want out of life anymore. It's like everything seems so far away. I mean I get in moods where I want to work, but things get in the way. Maybe I need to get new friends. No. I don't know.

I had to FORCE myself to eat tonight. It was weird I didn't even eat my fries. From CLARKS. I LOVE Clark's Fries. That is a problem.

Let's talk about Jared. Think of this. A really really really cute guy with good intentions, but he doesn't know what he wants. He doesn't want a relationship, but he doesn't want to fool around... he doesn't know if he likes boys or girls.

My Valentine's day sucked. Duh. We all knew that. I have NEVER had a good Valentine's day.

I want to SCREAM.

I want to CRY

but that would involve letting go. I don't know how to. I'm serious. I don't know how to let go of things in my life.

My friends are not the same. Maybe it's me. I feel like I'm not the same around them anymore. I don't know. I need to let things go. I can't. I don't want people to know how much shit I'm in. This is nothing.

why is it that I can't find anyone to tell all of my shit to? I feel that if I open up, I'm vunerable. I can't risk that.

My whole life I have always been what people want me to be. My whole life is a front.

I feel like I always need to be happy, because no one needs another sad person in their life. I have to be optimistic. That's not real though.

Sometimes I wish I could just wake up out of this dream we call life.


Goodnight. Better read this one quick, because it's not going to stay up here long.