First things first. I need to give yesterday's entry that I wrote at work. I could have posted it, but i didn't want to. so, here it is.
SUNDAY, APRIL 13, 3003

Well, It's Sunday, and I still am in love. Maybe even deeper than yesterday. I would have thought the 'celebrity' would have worn off by now, but golly gee, it hasn't. Damn. I know, I have issues, but I believe John Cameron Mitchell is the man of my dreams (or at least one of them). Damn. I am at work, tired as H, I stayed at grant's until 3 in the mrning watching movies. We watched Some Dolly Parton movie, then Bring it On (you KNOW that is my jammy jam) then 'The Grey Zone', some Holocause movie, which was good, but not excellent. I mean. then we watched Kiss of the Dragon. Well, I really didn't watch it, because I was talking with Ziety about some China-Hong-Kong Martial arts. It was fun, then the movie got really boring, so we had to fast-forward to the hotness action scenes at the end. Now, I am at work, after four hours of sleep. I didn't bring ANY of my homework, damnit. I was thinking, that if I did, we would have so much to do, I wouldn't even get to do it anyways. therefore, I am going to try to get something accomplished without any materials. later, I'll get on the super-computer, and look up all my stuff, but Dawn is using it. For now, I am listening to 70's soul/classic/jams/soft rock. they aren't that bad, and it sets a mood for today. Wow. I can't stop thinking about yesterday affternoon. I need to stop doing this. Faflling in "love" with people I can't get. are famous, etc. I really think I do it because I'm going to have that celebrity relationship someday. for Real. I mean I WILL get into that Semester in LA. I HAVE to.

I really miss my friends in North Carolina. Not that I'm getting tired of Chicago, but I feel like I have to be a totally different person. No, not like personality, but I don' tknow. I'm growing into something new, and I'm not totally sure if I like it or not. Let me explain. Here, (in chicago) I feel like I'm Mr. Purity, and sometimes, I think I WANT other people to fefel bad for not being pure. like; I don't smoke-anything, and most of my friends do. I don't hook up with guys-ALL of my friends do that. i think I want to distance myself from them in a way. I mean besides a very few, all of my friends are gay. I really honestly feel that my only real true down-to-earth friends are Olivia and Laura. Why? Honestly, I think it's the maturity/intelligence level. No, i'm not saying my other friends are immature/unintelligent, but they aren't like my NC friends. I am sick and tired of always and only talking about guys and sex with my gay friends. I feel that's the only thing I ever have to talk about. I mean there's no laughing at each other, joking, like 'my gang' used to do. I miss that. I mean granted I haven't been here for too long, but still. The only laughing/joking the gay boys ever do is "ooohh, you slut, you slept with so-and-so"... or "well damn, girl, you are freak-nasty". I am getting tired of it. Alot of people (yes, I'm about to generalize here) are shallow or talk about themselves. It's not warm and fuzzy. I need more straight friends, and QUICK. Maybe I should transfer to Northwestern. Naw, who am I kidding? shit. My mind is a whirling dervish. I need to go back to NC this summer, but we ALL know I will want to stay, or I won't have a job here when I get back, or I'll be a totally different person both when I get down there, and when I get back here. I have changed, and i need to decide for myself if I like that person I am, or if I need to change, because it's not too late, but it's about to be if I don't hurry up. I really think moving will help me. It'll be a new start.

I just took a hiatus from writing to design a flyer for a roommate ad. I think, that although I have neat handwriting and all, I'll do it on the computer. Or colored paper. Or both. Not sure. Anyways, I think I have decided that guys don't like me. I am content with that to a certain extent. (oh shit, I just remembered this. brad has been telling all of his "friends" that I have been sending him emails saying i would live in a one bedroom apartment so we [meaninf him and I] could be together. TREES HOMO! I wish a motherfucker would! That is so far beyond kosher, it's not funny) Boys suck anyways. I mean, I DO want an older guy, but Corey brought up a good point. why do older guys like younger guys (well not all of them, but the ones that do.. blah blah). I don't care. Corey just wants someone to have sex with anyways. I just need an older, hot, rich guy. Recently though, I have been LONGING for a wife, so i can have kids, a family, and a big house. This longing comes from years of being subjected to the "white picket fence" social life (church, families, etc). I have always wanted that though. I have really been hinking that when i grow up, I can really have that if i want. I don't know. It's just that every time I see a young married couple together, and the wife is either pregnant, or just had a baby, I want that so incredibly bad, it hurts. I could soo marry a girl to get that.

Oh yes, my sex drive has been incredibly low. (Kinko's pays their managers really well... Karla drives a brand new decked-out Toyota Corolla) I don't know why. (I need to register for classes) It might be because no one is really after me-besides John Cameron Mitchell *sigh*-. This lack of sex drive is a good hing though. I can concentrate on school (I need to call my dad. He should/needs to send me money) I really need to concentrate on school, especially math. I hate that class though. I can't miss anymore classes at all. Well, this is how many I've missed so far: Math=1, PSYC=3 (that's NOT good), history=0, D&P=0, Aesthetics=1. I have plenty of leeway, but I can't get behind. Period. I can't. My song from Center Stage (I need to watch that movie) is on! "preacher. keep on preachin..." Well, I'll end now.

End of entry